Quarter year & Lenten check-in

Today is April 2, 2010. The year is one quarter gone, and I’ve decided that it’s time to check in and see how things are. It seems a bit unnecessary, but at the same time, it is a year of many changes and I’d like to stop for a moment and consider.

Lent is over in two days. I’ve kept most of my Lenten fasts very well. Very well indeed. It is not pride that inspires this statement, rather a general belief that it was good timing for my life to change all of the things that have been changed in the last 45 days.

The closer I get to Easter, the less inclined I am to believe that a completely ascetic life is a good idea for me. Balance is a much stranger beast in this modern life, and it is right that it should share this path.

I have not read a book for 5 days. It is terrible. This is the worst part of this experience; easily the most difficult and the most isolating.

This separation from books is like being away from my own heartbeat. Admittedly, there are also other reasons for this besides the creativity trigger, which would be enough in and of itself, as I am in the position of having to fill many hours of my day without the outlet and ease of picking up a book on some subject or another.

It is difficult for me to balance the desire to read with the overflow of information and potential for knowledge that is sparked. I do not write papers or reviews as I think would be sensible for the amount of reading that I do. There is a disconnect between what I keep in my brain and what I share of it.

Now that I’ve complained about the reading briefly, let's look at the rest:

1} Lenten fast on drinking. It was a very good decision on my part to quit doing this at home, especially as it was taking up a great deal of time and money and I did not feel very good in the mornings. I have drunk on days not Thursday, though I’ve not had more than one beer on those occasions. I have gotten good and tipsy with the girls on a Thursday evening, and it’s been good fun. Probably because there was food involved and good company and the evenings ended relatively early, and I took advantage of the fact to drink water on my return home and sleep well. I look forward to continuing this habit, to be honest. I enjoy a drink or two, and it will be nice to able to actually enjoy them rather than just drink.

2} Lenten fast on smoking. Also a good decision and one that’s been relatively easy so far. As I come closer to Easter and the weather improves, it gets more and more difficult to not want a cigarette, though the financial benefits from not smoking far outweigh the desire to sit outside on the porch and just smoke my way through the day. I expect that it is a habit I will not pick up again in earnest at least until I begin graduate school. I do not know which of the decisions I’ve made has had any impact on my health specifically, though I’m sure that they have all helped at least a little bit. I certainly feel better. And I’ve gotten through the part where I feel cranky about it.

3} The DVD and the TV and the VCR are in the closet. I miss them. I’ve listened to lectures, so do not feel the absence as acutely as if I had also quit reading for Lent (can you imagine the stress and strain? Don’t even try. It would have been terrible.). I do miss the stories and the commentaries and all that, but there is also something nice about not having the screen anywhere visible.

4} I gave up not doing Yoga every day. And I’ve kept to that very well. I’ve entirely skipped 4 days, I think. There have been days recently that I’ve practiced yoga, just not the routine for that day specifically. Yesterday I practiced yoga twice and harbor desires of developing a morning routine geared toward the stretching of my legs and loosening of my hips and shoulders.

5} No meat but for Thursdays. I love this. I love it so much. I’ve got meat in the freezer and will add more to it today after I go shopping for the chicken for my Easter feast, which is a necessary part of the ritual, I now understand, but I’ve no real craving for it. I prefer rice and eggs and something with beans in it for dinner. It sits easily in my gut, I feel good and the leftovers are so nice. I feel like a weekly sort of treat is not a bad thing, nor is it bad to eat meat out at restaurants, but there is so much more in the world and this prohibition did exactly what I wanted it to do (and perhaps more): it convinced me to look around for different options and to consider different spices and ways of approaching my food habits. I truly do feel better. It is noticeable.

6} Work every scheduled shift. Yes. That worked. It worked really crazy well. I am thinking of ways to get myself to hold to that for the rest of my life. There were days that were difficult to get up and go, and it didn’t matter. I did it and I’m glad that I did. Now, I also quit my job when it became clear to me that it was going nowhere and was going to become unmanageable and there was no protection or respect available from the management. I have been unemployed for almost two days and I’m almost stir crazy for lack of work to do outside of the house. I’ve gone walking around town and around my parents’ house.

7} Coffee and chocolate are totally allowed. All blessings to the coffee bean pickers and the cacao bean pickers. All blessings to the people who process them and package them and get them here. All blessings to the people who introduced these amazing and wonderful beans to the world outside of their own purview. They are beautiful things and ought to be held in high esteem and respected more than they are in the world. I do not believe in being lazy about my coffee or my chocolate any more. Never again will I take it for granted. Never pretend that it doesn’t matter how good or how well made. Without these to bring me pleasure, I might well have forgotten about those senses entirely and without the ability to be pleased, I cannot see how joy has any meaning whatsoever.

8} Script Frenzy. I wrote 5 pages on my first day. I will write more today. I have until April 30 to write all 100 pages. I have no illusions about the mixed media nature of these script pages. It is deliberate and I rejoice in the collage.

Other observations and Behavioral changes: I have begun to pray. I have begun to meditate. Yoga practice is a time of day for focus and concentration and it is more and more challenging and encompassing. I do not begin to pretend that I have any idea ‘how’ to pray or ‘how’ to meditate. They are actions that I begin to take. I work to practice them with the same level of focus as I use for yoga, and I work to increase that level daily, in my everyday actions and responses and behaviors. I have begun to find myself experiencing levels of joy that are mystical to me as yet. I walk down a known street in this known city and the sounds are the sounds of prayer and life and there is nothing that is not beautiful in it. I am everywhere and anywhere and all of it rejoices.

I begin, slowly, very gently, to push my feelings to the surface, to share them with the people that I love. It is new to me and I find that I am nervous about it. Physical intimacy is much easier than emotional intimacy. But I do not have that option. And it is good that I do not, for these are relationships that are defined very specifically and they do not involve physical intimacy. I cry very easily and wonder at it, but have decided that it is not time to address the issue as yet.

I have kept two journals through this Lenten season. I am curious to read what they say starting Monday. I have begun to consider the definition of what is ‘real’ and how I interact with my dreaming life.

My contemplations on the nature of emotions in my life have not yet found words, though they are ever present in my days. They are positive and productive and I am pleased to continue them. I feel that I will start to see their results in my writing soon enough.

I have begun to save money and see that it is good and I am pleased with the results and would very much like to persist in this. Life is full and rich right now, and that is without great expense although it is by no means at the expense of good food or friendship or entertainment or society. I am pleased and gratified and feel that there are many things to say on the subject, especially as there are so many people who would love to change their lives and only see examples in people who have a lot of money, because they see that only money solves everything.

Lent Day 3

Starting to get throat cold and cannot have spicy soup as has pork in it. Reading Manguel opens wolds of annotative potential. Find myself choosing to live the experience rather than mapping it. Though as I track my pages read count, I leave clues for later me to re-trace and even perhaps to record again. Boileau.

I walked downtown and learned that I have temp hours for the near foreseeable future, but am still reminded of the need to be frugal and responsible with time, energy and money. Frugal is not fearful. It is aware and creative and resourceful.

Slept very soundly last night. I was, quite honestly, somewhat surprised.

2nd day of yoga shows more of what the 1st day did: tense tension tense. It's more than a little surprising, honestly. Ah, ego. Also, I think more than a little uncomfortably of my first husband and wonder how much I've been carrying around with me that is that kind of old and potentially harmful. It's only certain moves thus far, though I've not yet come to the back push-up and I am nervous about it.

I've made black beans & rice - started it & washed some dishes before yoga. Seems a good balance of time - start something that takes 30 or so minutes to cook & spend the time well, then rest and have some water and decide what to listen to during the meal.

Finished the Byzantium lectures tonight. Will have to take some notes: Crusades, Greek history 19th & 20th cent., Latin, Ancient Greek, libraries in Constantinople, the Crusader kingdom, Kingdom of Heaven (the film), superstitions, angels, gates of magic, doing penance to gain God's forgiveness & favor <-- now that's one I relate very strongly my personal experience.

Probably I would not use the word God or appeal to God. It is more about gaining the right to forgive or release myself from whatever routines or mindsets or debts I owe to the world or specific people or my past. While iconoclasm is very definitely not how I approach such action, I understand the motivation to make every act one that finds favor with God. My own impatiences tend to be riled in less visible ways, though I am no less severe with them (if not nearly so effective).

Home is place of almost endless possibility for creativity and learning. It is overwhelming and sometimes seems distracting.

Lent Day 1

Today is the first day of Lent, 2010. The decision to change much about my daily habits is, I allow, completely insane. It is also something that I've wanted to do for months, and as I do not see myself moving into the forest for 40 days in search of understanding or enlightenment or closeness to God, I have made the choice to go without in different ways, no less shocking, tho far more modern & possible. Also, there will be coffee and chocolate. Yes.

So. I've eaten no meat today - 2 bean & cheese burritos, coffee, chocolate cake, tea, iced lemon muffin. I am hungry for rice, I think, so may make some and hard-boil an egg for a late snack. I've dumped the last mouthful of wine from a leftover glass and unplugged the TV stuff. I've also read more than 60 pages of a book about A History of Reading, and have determined to finish The Story of Language by Mario Pei before I embark on A History of Writing (1984) which must naturally have a place in all this study. Also, yoga - haven't done that yet - this it will be a nice segue into the evenings' craft work and listening - I think I shall hear more of Byzantium tonight. Tomorrow will be a good day for the red lentil soup, I feel, and to finish cleaning and clearing out the refrigerator and freezer.

My dreams begin to resist my efforts at keeping them from terrifying me. I am not sure what this spring will bring.

NaNo has given me the ability to believe that I can accomplish ridiculous things & now it is about perpetuation of that behavior, the place where it begins to become habit.

For change to be meaningful and the world after it's done to be sustainable and positive ans what was aimed for, even a little, it must be deeply felt and in this case deliberately enacted and carefully considered. Oddly, once I made the Life List of Lent*, it all made sense and there was no need to add or subtract anything. Today involved a certain degree of awareness and I anticipate more than a little antsy behavior as the 40** days continue.

Evening walks are good and there are enough projects to keep me occupied and invigorated and walking the rails through lands of reality & imagined surrounding & the dream life for me to be at once involved and overwhelmed and maybe even learn how to get used to it and feel more self control with it also. It is slow and requires faith and focus and deliberately chosen food.

Change, for me, is in the depths, not the details.


*Life List of Lent
**technically, it's 47 days. minus Sundays. Because that's how New Math works.