I am finally beginning to feel rested, although I have been having very vivid and not entirely peaceful dreams. I would blame the novels I've been reading, but that would be a lie, and I'm feeling deceitful enough lately.
How could that be?
Well, because I find that not expressing anger, particularly at the person who behaved stupidly (no, not anyone who works for the city, never), is not honest. While I have no real compunction to obsessive honesty, I do have a need to behave genuinely. There is no room on my sleeve to display my heart - I like a neon sign, or tangible vibe. I do not want there to be a question. It's a thing. I don't like deceptive people. I do not particularly enjoy being deceptive. It makes my tummy icky and my mouth all bleckgue.
At the same time, I'm lazy. I don't really want to be the Person Who Does Stuff unless it has very minimal consequences that can be readily ignored by later generations. Only, my life sucks when I don't speak up. Trust me. And then I get angry. Only my anger tends to be directed at myself as I am not used to be angry out loud at people - are you seeing a pattern? I am. The emotion is there, only because it's not being directed where I believe that it belongs, it's getting directed at me, which leads to drinking and pathetic behavior and never getting around to telling someone how much what they are doing is accomplishing nothing good. Then it's back to being the Person Who Never Does Anything. Which is far worse.
Whine moan groan complain.
Please tell me that someone else is having this day?
Gotta be something going around, can't be just me.
Light at the end of the tunnel moment: kitten chasing tail, getting distracted by her shadow. Best part of the morning. Until I realized that I had enough punches on the cards for a free frou-frou drink at the Coffee House this morning. Good things still happen, and they just won't stop, no matter what I do. Sigh.
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