back into the womb

or back out of it, whichever. i can't quite decide this morning. birth is tiring and messy and kind of smelly. my home is kind of the same way right now. been gone for ten days. felt like much longer - combination of working and being in beautiful country and having much done - much more mental space to interact with the world around me without having the constant filter of 'must get something done' in front of me.

to explain further: i am going into hiding, sort of. i have taken some time away from regular job and regular relationship responsibilities and am focusing on my home and my creative outlets so as to create a life that is the one that i want, truly and fully. i have writing to do, a desk at which to do it, a chalkboard at which to line it out or draw it out or whatever and many many ideas which need to be written down and rejected or fleshed out. i have yarn and knitting needles and crochet hooks and many projects in mind. i have a job, perhaps, making stained glass windows again, only this time, it's on my schedule (albeit with deadlines) instead of someone else's. i am thinking of working on a set of designs for glass insects - flies and bees and dragonflies and damselflies and butterflies and such. perhaps i will also work on designs for some of the native plants in the sandhills that i find beautiful and ingtriguing also. the colors will be more difficult to match and the customers for such work more difficult to find, but i would like to do the work of it.

right now, however, i have a home that is stinky. just plain sitnky. it is one of those unidentifiable stinks that is the result of the combination of cats, litter, laundry, dishes, chicken grease and very very high humidity both inside and out. oh, and we smoke indoors. the vacuum helps considerably, but i think the house has only been vacuumed once in the last ten days, so i must do that today. i have sage with which to smoke my room (the dumpster for our building is right outside my west window) which, in combination with doing the laundry, changing the sheets and vacuuming, should return it to a state that is acceptable and even enjoyable to me.

i tire of being social already, and i have only been home for 20 hours. it is a short time. i have only four days and most of that time will be spent doing things that i enjoy and that i know will lead to better things later on in the week.

oh, and myspace is being stupid on my computer, which is why i am spouting off here as opposed to there, which is, i think, slightly better equipped for personal rants than this one was intended to be, but i haven't been here in a while, so maybe it's a good thing to get back in practice, no?

slowly but surely, the world falls together with smiles and a happy sense of predictability. just a mess right now, and i kind of want sugar and much more sleep. only i have slept enough. it is time to wake up.